Happy Marriage

In taking Marriage & Family classes for over a year now, in observing marriages over my lifetime, and most importantly being in a marriage for almost 20 years I can say love, service and settling  are essential to creating a happy marriage. The word settle can have negative connotations, and that is not what I mean.  Your husband should value God, religion, marriage, education, work and family.  He should have morals, conviction, integrity, faith, and respect for you and others.  But after that, after recognizing a good man, you can’t expect them to be everything else.  

So he doesn’t bring you flowers, or tell funny jokes that impress people.  He leaves socks on the floor and dishes on the table.  He forgets family prayer and doesn’t like your favorite frozen yogurt shop.  These are not deal breakers.  An unsourced quote says, “When you release expectations, you are free to enjoy things for what they are instead of what you think they should be”.   You married him for a reason, remember those reasons.  Realize he has shortcomings and so do you, that is one of the purposes for marriage, to help, teach and cheer each other on.  To recognize the truly important things in life and let go of your vision of the perfect man.  The one who doesn’t exist.

At times a marriage is smooth sailing, and other times hard work.  Sometimes the husband is pulling the weight, and other times the wife.  Trials in life aren’t a possibility but a surety.  Commitment to the marriage and God’s plan for your family will carry you through if you are willing to do what it takes.  In the text, ‘Successful Marriages and Families’ it states, “Long term commitment will carry you through the ups and down of married life.  Most who consistently invest in their marriages will do very well over the long term.  A lasting marriage is the reward, usually, of hard work and self-sacrifice”.

When your marriage is cemented in God and Jesus Christ, you have a much better chance of surviving the trials and heartaches of life.  “Think about the multi-faceted diamond. When a diamond is completed surrounded by light every part of it shines. Think about that for a minute and compare it to marriage. When our marriage is completely surrounded by light—in other words when we’ve given every part of it over to God–we discover beauty on every side. That’s what He wants us to do. God doesn’t want us to look back. He doesn’t want us to focus on the romance we had, the kids that grew up, the job that we lost, or the home that we still can’t afford” – Darlene Schacht

I guess in the end it’s about focus.  Focusing on the positives, working on the negatives and forgetting those things that can’t and don’t really need to be changed.  Focus on your dreams, your goals, on each other and on God.  When your focus and commitments are aligned with God and his plan for you, happiness will come. 

Partnership

What does a partnership look like in marriage today?  Do two people have to be equal to make a marriage work? The text in chapter 4 of ‘Successful Marriages and Families’ states it so perfectly “Equality is all too often used to mean “identity”; that is, that two equal things must be identical to each other.  Such usage represents a fallen and harmful understanding of equality that is espoused by Lucifer, who passionately wants all to be “like himself”.

We see examples everyday of women wanting to be identical to men.  They join the military, they climb the corporate ladder, they are even in the boxing ring. Why is it that woman today insist on being just like men?  Why do they not feel confident & worthy enough in their own God given talents and skills.

The Family Proclamation states that “Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in live and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.  In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners”.

Equal does not mean we have to change to try and keep up with each other.  Equal means we are different in our talents but equal in our contributions.

Perfectly said by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, “The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony.  All of Heavenly Father’s children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole”.

In my own marriage I’ve stayed at home with the children while my husband has always had a career.  I’ve cleaned the house while he’s cleaned the garage.  I sweep he irons.  I pack beach lunches while he packs the car.  I keep up with our family photos, he fixes the car and computer. It goes on and on.  There are some things I am better at, and some he is.  I know he is grateful for all I do and I am grateful to him as well.  I never get upset that I don’t have his talents, in fact I am so grateful that we each have different strengths to bring into our marriage.  Not all couples are going to look like my husband and I.  Some may even be good at the same things. But by rejoicing in our differences we can get so much more accomplished. By working together we make each others life complete.

Enduring

Wedding days are filled with food, flowers, beautiful gowns and lots of smiles.  The focus is on the happy couple and the love they want today and forever.  Today is easy, they are in love, but what about all the days filled with children, trials, stress and change that surely is to come?

I know two couples, each dealt with heavy trials, one marriage lasted, one did not.  They both experienced the death of a child, job loss, a husband's betrayal, health issues and the multiple trials daily of life.  One couple was committed to the marriage.  They both took steps to receive counseling and work through their problems using the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  They changed and forgave.  They sacrificed and worked.  They made it.

The other couple tried to work on their marriage, but only one was willing.  Over a dozen years passed before the wife realized she alone could not change her husbands mind, he had to do that on his own. After 17 years of marriage and 4 children, they divorced.

What does it mean to endure?  Elder F. Burton Howard of the Seventy said this, "If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently.  You shield it and protect it.  You never abuse it.  You don't expose it to the elements.  You don't make it common or ordinary.  If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleans like new.  It becomes special because you have made it to, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.  Eternal marriage is just like that.  We need to treat it just that way".

What does this look like on a day to day basis?  In discussing this with friends I had one who said this, "Whenever I get a drink I ask my husband if he wants one as well.  I make an effort every day to let him know I am thinking of him".  Another said, "Let's get one thing straight, the big stuff, like affairs, don't just happen.  If we were to do an autopsy on the big things like affairs, we would find a trail of little things that were never dealt with that lead individuals and marriages to major failures".  In my own marriage it means praying as a couple, watching movies I would never pick that he loves and making the time to cook meals as I know how much my husband appreciates it.

President Monson also believes small acts can make a huge difference, he says, "Think to thank.  In these three words are the finest capsule course for a happy marriage, formula for enduring friendship, and a pattern for personal happiness".

Dating

Are we done with dating?  Is hanging out the way of the future?  And if so, is this a smart move for this next generation?

I remember going out on my first date.  I was so excited and felt so special.  I remember going out on my second and third date as well.  I remember the excitement, anticipation and the learning curve that goes along with interacting, communicating and getting to know someone of the opposite sex in a different setting other than school or mutual.

In the book 'Successful Marriages and Families' it states, "One of the biggest changes in the current young adult culture is the disappearance of dating.  Several studies have found that traditional dating, where the man asks the woman out on a date and pays for the evening together, is becoming rare.... Young women and men more often "hang out" rather than go on planned dates".  It goes on to say, "Most Latter-day Saint young adults know that Church leaders discourage hanging out, and we have found in our current research that the kind of endless, making-no-progress-towards-a-relationship hanging out is indeed frustrating to both men and women".

Elder M. Russell Ballard has said,  "Don’t text her! Use your own voice to introduce yourself to the righteous daughters of God who are all around you. To actually hear a human voice will shock her—perhaps into saying yes".

Dating is a good thing.  A worthwhile way get to know each other.  Asking a girl out on a date helps you to gain courage and strength.  Do not take the easy way out and text a message to hang out.  Boys, you can only gain access to manhood by taking chances and putting yourself out there.  By doing the work that needs to be done by planing a simple date, calling a girl and asking her out.  Girls, you can encourage this behavior by getting to know boys, even the ones you think you may not be interested in.  By accepting dates and by developing qualities in yourself that will be attractive to others.

When we put thought into a date it shows others we care, that we are interested in them, that we can plan an activity and are interesting enough to be with on that activity.  It is a way for young men and women to interact and find out through the experience of dating what they like in a partner, and more importantly, what they should be doing to improve themselves.

Those days of dating were some of the best experiences of my life.  I learned so much about myself and others.  It helped me realize the traits that were important in the person I wanted to marry  I dated funny, spontaneous and shy boys.  I also dated a boy who was jealous, controlling and disrespectful.  I learned very fast that was not the kind of person I wanted to marry.  Because of that boy I knew when I met my now husband who is very kind, easy going and extremely respectful to those around him, that he would make me happy for a very long time.

So maybe all of your dates won't be fantastic.  But they will always teach you something.

The Path to Marriage

My personal experience growing up was one where I saw marriage as a worthy goal and had positive examples of what a marriage was, as well as negative examples.  As with many couples, both of these examples were in the same marriage, my parent's.

In life today young people are greatly influenced by their elders examples and look to the older generation to see what exactly a marriage is and how to get there. Unfortunately divorce is very common today and the less examples of a happy, stable marriage that is shown, the more ill-equipped couples getting married today will be in their own marriages.

So how do we prepare young men and women for marriage?  How can we not only influence our own children and family but those outside of our religion as well to view marriage as a sacred and worthwhile goal?

According to the text in 'Successful Marriages and Families' "There are certain personal characteristics or traits that happily married spouses have developed...... that began to get developed during adolescence and young adulthood.  Scholars have found that young adults' readiness for marriage is largely determined by their ability to love and communicate".

What this means is that the responsibility is on us, the married couples of the world, to show the next generation how we communicate that love, how important marriage is to us.  Regardless of how many bad or broken marriages there may be, we all have the power to influence others by our example.  We are friends, neighbors, teachers, and associates.  We can show love to our spouse through a thoughtful comment when your child's friend is over playing, or we can post a loving act of service on social media.  These are very different ways to be an example, but all are needed if we are to put a positive example out to the world of love and marriage.

The path to marriage starts with us and the kind of person we can be.  We cannot add to another's life either in marriage or by example, if we do not have a testimony of God. Jeffrey R. Holland said,

"Do you want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity?  Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint.  Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does.  You separate dating from discipleship at your peril". 

As I said, I saw good and bad examples of communication in a marriage. Fortunately I saw enough good things combined with my own testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ that I desired to get married to a kind and loving man that would honor, respect and love me.

I now feel an obligation not only to my husband, but to society as a whole to be an example and show others what a wonderful thing a marriage can be.